just fyi,

i've stopped using this blog.

www.readyornotx.blogspot.com

:)

change,

I think it's time that I started a new blog. Simply because this one starts very differently to how I want it now but I can't erase that quirky part of me, she makes me laugh.

So for now, this will remain unused but still meaning something to me. Maybe I'll post stuff here sometimes too.

I'm going to have one other blog apart from the new one.

The quirky one. This one and my serious, deeper one.

Sorted.

 

R, xoxo

this is the end,

I'll be honest with you, I miss you. You were my best friend and gosh I loved you, you were my everything. I'd rush home just to speak to you, then we drifted and it was never the same. Then you fell out with me big time and now you "hate my guts" and I "make you sick". That hurts, so much. You'll never know how much you really did mean to me and you'll never know how sorry I am for the things I did, the things I said and the things I will say because if we were really as close as I think we were, you'll know damn well that I won't go down without a fight, that no matter how much I love you, I won't let you win.

I can't have you say those things about me, those things I know you know deep down aren't true. You know that no matter how much of a bitch I can be, it's because I'm scared to be anything else. I'm scared of giving someone the power to break me, the power to own my heart. I'm learning though, he may not notice but it's him who's teaching me. It's his smile you know, that's what makes my heart flutter and skip a beat, but there's so much more to him that I never got to chat excitedly to you about because you didn't care. You discarded me when he came into my life, maybe that's why you were suddenly so hostile towards me. Were you jealous? You'll deny it either way, but if it's true, I'm flattered.

You won't read this anyway, I doubt you even know about this. You wouldn't want to read it even if you did know. I'm sorry I even had a flicker of hope for a second there.

After today I won't let anyone know just how much I still care, just how much I really did love you and just how much I miss you. I'll carry on pretending I hate your guts too, like you do mine. I'll carry on pretending that us being like brother and sister was all a stupid mistake, like I was somewhat drunk, brainwashed, for what? Four or five months? Maybe longer? Who knows, I wasn't counting the time that we were friends for simply because I had really thought it would last forever.

If you ever want to be friends again, and this is taking everything within me to say, well write, it...

Don't come looking for me. I won't let you back in, I can't be broken like this again, I'm sorry – I really really am.

 

Goodbye stranger, I loved you more than you'll ever know.

Love, your Rosemary x

you can sit beside me,

Do you know how much I love you? You're the most special thing to me in my life, okay except maybe Mabel but I did only just watch Marley & Me a few days ago and cried like a baby who hasn't been fed for a few days, i.e. a lot. Note; don't forget to feed babies, that's child cruelty.

It kills me to see you like this, you think you can hide the fact that you're upset from me? Don't be stupid. I'm not your best friend for nothing. I can sense it just in the way you say hi to me on msn, that's how well I know you. I feel worthless and pathetic, useless and insignificant. I can't help you, no matter how hard I try you won't ever listen to me, you're too stubborn sometimes, y'know that?

You are beautiful, so beautiful. I'd swap with you if I could, if you're that desperate.

Being like me? Yeah it's not that great. I get walked all over, I get heartbroken and my best friends, yeah I don't think they even care that much anymore. Sure, L and my S do, but as soon as C appears around S, whatever she says goes so maybe it's just L who's there for me apart from you.

K, don't get me started on her. She's self-obsessed and barely listens to me when we're having a normal conversation, and it hurts.

Everything you say about yourself is wrong, you're not boring at all, if you were boring then how come we have such a good time together? How come we almost always end up in fits of laughter? It's mainly you that makes me laugh, not the other way around.

You know when you said you felt like we were friends with totally different people, when I was closer to J&H and you were closer to T&L&M and everyone else? Well you weren't the only one who felt slightly jealous. Truth was I wasn't even really speaking to J, all I had was H and you had this little group of friends, people I only could really have small-talk with, chit-chat and downright boring conversations with.

Earlier on you seemed a little pissed off at me and correct me if I'm wrong but it seemed to be about P? Who else was I supposed to talk to? You were at your sisters, you hadn't told me about that by the way, and I had no-one else to talk to, did you just expect me to sit at home all night twiddling my thumbs? If you did – thanks.

I'm sorry if that sounded pissy, but it did get to me I guess.

It may sound harsh, but don't act like you're the only teenage girl out there who feels the way you do, because I know plenty more who feel the same and I'm one of them. Sure guys look at me, but not all of them. Most of them like to tell me how ugly I am, it's getting hard to brush them off nowadays, to not listen to what they say and just hope and pray that I don't react, don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they've gotten to me. Every girl goes through this, this horrible horrible feeling, find a hobby, something to do? I don't know, my suggestions are hopeless.

I'm telling you now, we're going to be friends forever and I'm going to make sure of it, because losing you would be like dying, that's just how much you mean to me, I swear it. Whenever you need me, whenever you feel like this, just text me, phone me, tell me in some way and I'll listen. I promise.

God I hate it that I cry too much. You're so lucky that you hardly ever cry.

If you want all those things you say you do, then get off your butt and get them. You've got one life, and if you get another well, you have the excuse that you didn't know you'd get another. Don't neglect school, I know it sounds stupid but you're going to need it. I know I'm a bit of a hypocrite right now saying that, but I've vowed that I'm going to try harder now, because otherwise I'll never get anywhere.

All I ask of you is for you to talk to me, when you're angry at me? Yeah just tell me. Shout at me and scream at me if it makes you feel better, I can take it. I might end up crying but I'm too emotional anyway, it won't have been your fault so to speak. Remember, I'm your best friend because you are simply wonderful, there's not anyone that I love more than you, I'd love to be like you, I really really would and I swear I'm not just saying that to make you feel
better. I mean it.

"This life...is what you make it. No matter what you are going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is, you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - They're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up; because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole. And that goes for everything; Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself. Because if you don't, then who will sweetie? So. Keep your head high. Keep your chin up. And most importantly, keep smiling. Because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." - Marilyn Monroe.

Listen to her, she knew what she was talking about.

I love you A, stop putting yourself down so much, you're the best thing in the world.

 

a helluva lot more than seven things,

I shouldn't even be thinking about you anymore. Truth be told I don't care like I used to and I know that, but there's part of me that still clings onto my love for you. I was right in thinking that you and her wouldn't last long, and I don't know what to think, but I think she did the right thing for her sake but you can't blame me for thinking that.

You're my best friend, ex-lover and you'll stay that way forever. I'll always love you, just not like I love him. You were only around for a short while compared to the amount of time I shall probably live, so why did and do I still care so much? Why won't that small part of me just let you go? I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. You never did realise just how much you meant to me. You never did realise that I would get so frustrated with your lack of effort sometimes, and sure you had friends to see sometimes too, but being a typical girl I didn't think they mattered as much as me. That time you asked me what I was doing later that night during lunchtime – I was secretly overjoyed that you were showing more effort than usual.

Songs still remind me of you, I'm starting think I'm crazy. I want to let go, but I simply can't, not yet – maybe one day but until then I'm stuck with trying to shove those thoughts of how I miss you, how I wish you hadn't fucked everything up, how I wish that it was possible to rewind time and take things back, how I wish that it was easier to talk to you face to face, how I wish I could still look into your eyes and not feel a single thing except happiness but now there's just hurt when I look at you, a small pang at my heartstrings. You say you'd take it back if you could, do you really mean that? You never did really tell me just how much you cared, not properly.

You're the only one I can turn to no matter what at this moment in time, things might change, but then again maybe not. I don't care what you think of me, I think that's why I can tell you anything, I can tell you every little mistake I make and know that in between your stupid, childish, meaningless little comments that you'll make me smile and forget my troubles – I think that's why I loved you so much, though it was a little annoying sometimes.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

I probably shouldn't say this but at times I get so scared, when I think about the previous relationship we shared.
It was awesome but we lost it, it's not possible for me not to care.
And now we're standing in the rain but nothing's ever gonna change, until you hear, my dear.

The 7 things I hate about you, the 7 things I hate about you, oh you.
You're vain, your games, you're insecure. You love me, you like her.
You make me laugh, you make me cry, I don't know which side to buy.
Your friends, they're jerks and when you act like them, just know it hurts.
I wanna be with the one I know and the 7th thing I hate the most that you do;
You make me love you.

It's awkward and silent as I wait for you to say what I need to hear now; your sincere apology.
When you mean it, I'll believe it. If you text it, I'll delete it. Let's be clear - oh, I'm not coming back, you're taking 7 steps here.

The 7 things I hate about you;
You're vain, your games, you're insecure. You love me, you like her.
You make me laugh, you make me cry, I don't know which side to buy.
Your friends, they're jerks and when you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know and the 7th thing I hate the most that you do;
You make me love you.

And compared to all the great things that would take too long to write I probably should mention the 7 that I like.
The 7 things I like about you; Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's and when we kiss I'm hypnotized.
You make me laugh, you make me cry but I guess that's both I'll have to buy. Your hands in mine, when we're intertwined, everything's alright.
I wanna be with the one I know and the 7th thing I like most that you do;
You make me love you, you do.

they know nothing about us,

i don't think you've realised just how much i love it when you call me baby, all i want is to curl up in your arms and stay like that forever, then i'd be almost completely content – only missing A but she's to be kept separate from you seeing as she doesn't entirely like you all that much, but at least she does more than she did. everyone says i'm only setting myself up for the biggest heartbreak of my life so far but i don't care if i am, you're worth it.

i've changed so much since you entered my life, i didn't really realise it until a few days ago. in fact i've changed so much in general and i'm not the only one who's noticed it apparently.

things are so good right now, so much so i might just explode with joy. every little smile i make is partly because of you, you're just too wonderful not to smile about. days without you seem so long, i miss you right now actually.

 

I love you, don't forget that – ever.

this ain’t hollywood,

it's too late for you and your white horse to come around, maybe i was naive, got lost in your eyes – never really had a chance.

its actually such a shame that we ended up like this, we could've been something extra special, but now i'm going to stop dwelling over my mistakes. i'm going to forget all those things i dreamt about, all the things i felt and all the things that made me smile about you. you mean nothing to be anymore, i'm so much better off without you – i just need to keep telling myself that.

he's everything you're not and i'm glad, at least he's actually worth my time unlike you. you're childish, you're frustrating but i still loved you. past tense.

don't get me wrong, i don't think i'll be able to wipe you out of my life, i've already had this conversation with T, it's physically impossible, because you'll always be there, won't you? well guess what, i don't need you and if it were possible you would be gone, but for now you'll be a minimal part of my life.

whoever decided that people should fall in love was part genius, part idiot. it really is bittersweet. for future reference, you're the bitter part and he's most definitely the sweet part – if he isn't then my name is Mohammad Ali (JAI HO! Haha, PJ). anyway, enough of you.

don't ever be a worrier, it a horrible thing to be, i can't help but still worry and i'm shit at cheering people up, A if you're reading this – i'm sorry yeah baby? you know he's probably not worth this, maybe he is to you, but he probably isn't cuz i have a little idea of what you might be feeling like, and if it wasn't for that thing i know about i'd be shouting at him like a madman of your best friend that i am, i hope you know that. he can't have you anyway, you're mine yeah? just like hitler can't have your Alsace and Lorraine, because they'll always belong to France ;) things will get better, i promise, just keep your chin up and pray that your best mate was better at dealing with cheering up, because she really is shit! hahaha.

almost summer, which means i'll get to see you soon, without the restrictions of being at school, you already know just how much i care about you, so need i explain it even further?

 

this is a small town, i was a dreamer before you and you let me down, x