this is the end,

I'll be honest with you, I miss you. You were my best friend and gosh I loved you, you were my everything. I'd rush home just to speak to you, then we drifted and it was never the same. Then you fell out with me big time and now you "hate my guts" and I "make you sick". That hurts, so much. You'll never know how much you really did mean to me and you'll never know how sorry I am for the things I did, the things I said and the things I will say because if we were really as close as I think we were, you'll know damn well that I won't go down without a fight, that no matter how much I love you, I won't let you win.

I can't have you say those things about me, those things I know you know deep down aren't true. You know that no matter how much of a bitch I can be, it's because I'm scared to be anything else. I'm scared of giving someone the power to break me, the power to own my heart. I'm learning though, he may not notice but it's him who's teaching me. It's his smile you know, that's what makes my heart flutter and skip a beat, but there's so much more to him that I never got to chat excitedly to you about because you didn't care. You discarded me when he came into my life, maybe that's why you were suddenly so hostile towards me. Were you jealous? You'll deny it either way, but if it's true, I'm flattered.

You won't read this anyway, I doubt you even know about this. You wouldn't want to read it even if you did know. I'm sorry I even had a flicker of hope for a second there.

After today I won't let anyone know just how much I still care, just how much I really did love you and just how much I miss you. I'll carry on pretending I hate your guts too, like you do mine. I'll carry on pretending that us being like brother and sister was all a stupid mistake, like I was somewhat drunk, brainwashed, for what? Four or five months? Maybe longer? Who knows, I wasn't counting the time that we were friends for simply because I had really thought it would last forever.

If you ever want to be friends again, and this is taking everything within me to say, well write, it...

Don't come looking for me. I won't let you back in, I can't be broken like this again, I'm sorry – I really really am.

 

Goodbye stranger, I loved you more than you'll ever know.

Love, your Rosemary x